You know what’s funny is I wanted to keep my mouth shut about my Summer (that has now turned into Autumn) of panic attacks and anxiety that seemed to spring up out of nowhere, and now it’s all I’m talking about.
I blog about my life and because this is my life at the moment, it’s sort of an unavoidable topic. Ever since opening up on world mental health day, I now feel like I can blog about this because you now know about it. Once I opened the gates, the topic was no longer off limits and became common knowledge, so it felt easier to talk about. To me it’s not a big deal, just something going on in the background that I’m riding through, so I feel like I can talk to y’all about it as if it was just another variable in my life like my hair colour or the fact that I’m a student. Just a current trait of mine that will have some sort of effect on my life – whether that be the type of shampoo I use (purple to maintain this fake blonde, always), my living situation (student house except I go back home-home every 2-3 weeks so I live a shit version of Hannah Montana’s double life) or the fact that I might not be able to go somewhere because I know it’ll bring on a panic attack (like a Halloween event here next week that I refuse to go to because I had a panic attack at the freshers version last year, before the panic attacks were a reg day-to-day occurrence).
Let’s cut to the chase – it took a lot for me to write that post a couple weeks ago. A lot. I am the type of gal who never wants to ask for help or admit that they’re struggling, partly because I know everyone has their own shit going on behind closed doors so why act all woe-is-me and like my problems are any worse, or why add to someone else’s struggles with my own when they have enough to worry about? But I hadn’t blogged all Summer, I beat around the bush half telling you that some shit was going on personally but not saying what exactly, and I needed to either be honest or stop making half-excuses and take the title of shit blogger. Even now people know after that post, as much as I’d bloody love to go have a lil DMC and get things off my mind, I can’t bring myself to ask or mention it ever.
Just as I did over Summer when I assumed that the day I came back to uni, all of the problems would start to resolve themselves and disappear, I again assumed that after writing the post and finally admitting to the world what was going on, the problems would resolve themselves and disappear. I thought that because it would be out there, I could get tf over it. You know that whole first step to recovery is admitting the issue thing? But the problems still won’t resolve themselves, and if anything they’ve gotten worse.
The panic attacks and anxiety I’ve had behind closed doors have been the elephant in the room for the last three months. I couldn’t really blog or do things like take pics for posts and the ‘gram because of it, but I wasn’t telling anyone that was why I couldn’t blog up until a couple of weeks ago. This is why I thought that admitting it in a post the other week would help me get over that lil roadblock and go back to posting as normal. The issue was never that I didn’t have ideas or posts written, I just couldn’t bring myself to press publish or do all of the street style pics and ~promo~ posts to go alongside it. I expected to be able to tidy up these posts and get them up after my world mental health day one, but I still couldn’t. The only one I could manage was the one I outright said would be upcoming because I couldn’t promise it and then not actually post it. But the point is, I still haven’t be able to blog as normal even after admitting what was stopping me before.
So what’s next? First and foremost, I don’t want to be a mental health blogger. Obviously I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being one, blogging about mental health, or categorising mental health as one of the main subjects your blog deals with. But I don’t want to, because it’s my own personal complex. I want to be a fashion and lifestyle blogger who also chats shit about tennis and beauty sometimes. The only problem with being predominantly lifestyle and basing all of my advice and think piece type posts around my own life and the situations I find myself in is that this is the situation I’m in at the moment. If I wanted to write anything personal to me and my life now, it could probably only be about the fact that I’m having at least one panic attack per day at the moment. So the personal-focused lifestyle posts might need to take a backseat until I have other stuff that I can focus on, or they’ll all end up being a rehashed version of this post. Which is bad because this post is already a rehashed version of the mental health day one lol.
I think this blog is going to have to become a bit more here’s all the things I’m wearing and using and eating and drinking and watching and listening to and putting on my face rather than here’s the personal experience I’ve had that has led me to realise that destiny is bullshit and if we want something we need to go get it ourselves or that we should be a bit more selfish. Oh, and tennis. That’s the next blog post. I will obvs have to bring up this lil panic attack phase as a contextual factor in my life here and there but, as I’ve already said, it’s the same as my hair colour or my education / work status being mentioned for the same purpose.
Just thought I’d do an update because it seemed as though, after that MH post, all service on yasmin stefanie dot com (actually stop me calling it that please) would resume as normal, and then it didn’t. And because even though I want service to resume as normal, my posts are probably going to have to have a shift in focus for a little while. I’ll still keep y’all updated here and there, but you deserve someone better than myself to be an actual mental health blogger. And like I keep saying, the last thing I want to do is be that person online who acts like they have no cares or problems in the world and leads a perfect, pumpkin spice latte-filled life (ok, I do lead the latter).
A lil WTA Finals recap with a lil twist on how the gals of the tour can ~motivate~ and ~inspire~ you is actually what’s next, and I’m hoping it’ll be here tomorrow post-final.
See you then! X